|Photo by Will Bolding on Unsplash|
It's been over a month since I've posted and yet again, I have had a change in perspective. Honestly, Nanowrimo doesn't play well with blogging. Maybe that should be my blackout month every year because I go all in to write 50k words during the month of November. This year I wrote over 54k. It was a great and inspiring project this year.
But now, we are halfway through December and I am still not coming to the page to write and share my thoughts. In some way, I really want to turn this blog into my daily refection. The problem with this is that in order to get followers, you generally have to have some sort of niche, something that you talk about regularly that catches the interest in a particular group of people. My problem is that I am not like that. All of my thoughts jumble together in this cauldron of ideas, inspiration and emotion. I don't ever really know where they will lead.
Today I read this quote in a lovely book by Sara Wiseman called Living a Life of Gratitude, which stated:
"I realize that this is the lesson I am learning now: how to live without fear, regardless of outcome."I have a hard time with this. I have these little panic sessions in my head sometimes where I imagine someone very close to me dies and I have to figure out what to do next. This is a fear that has paralyzed me off and on for years, though it has yet to manifest, I fear that it someday will.
I realized I had a problem when I was folding laundry while sitting on the bed almost in tears because I was so afraid something was going to happen to my husband on his walk home. He wasn't home yet, but I also wasn't expecting him for another hour at least. In fact, come to find out, he hadn't even left the office yet. I don't know why I worry like that, but I can't imagine I am the only one who does.
The thing is, that is no way to live. Now I have to step beyond that fear so I can get the laundry up and still have time to get some work done before I need to start dinner.
I think it is time for a breakthrough. When I dig my feet in the sand so to speak, I know something is about to happen. I am ready for it. I am learning how to manage my time better, I am doing a better job keeping energy and organizing my work space so I can get lots done. This is hard for me in the darkness of the winter, but I am determined to dig in, not to my fears, but to my dreams and work to finish the final revisions on my novel.
In the end, it all goes back to writing. That's why I have to write because the stories are ready to spill out, I just need to sharpen my pencil and come to the page.